driftee
Ghost'd account.
I have found a song whose lyrics capture my exact feelings about Ed!
I don't care about any cryptic messages hidden in this song--these are the words I would say to Ed in my mind.
On an unrelated topic, guess recently became a member of the campus' Rainbow Pride? Someone named Matt certainly did! But that was after me.
--Driftee
Everything about you is how I wanna be
Your freedom comes naturally
Everything about you resonates happiness
Now I won't settle for less
Give me all the peace and joy in your mind
Everything about you pains my envying
Your soul can't hate anything
Everything about you is so easy to love
They're watching you from above
Give me all the peace and joy in your mind
I want the peace and joy in your mind
Give me the peace and joy in your mind
Everything about you resonates happiness
Now I won't settle for less
Give me all the peace and joy in your mind
I want the peace and joy in your mind
Give me the peace and joy in your mind
"Bliss" by Muse.
I don't care about any cryptic messages hidden in this song--these are the words I would say to Ed in my mind.
On an unrelated topic, guess recently became a member of the campus' Rainbow Pride? Someone named Matt certainly did! But that was after me.
--Driftee
Ed
understandThese past weeks with Ed have caused me to re-evaluate myself. I've changed because of him.
- I've decided (even harder) to be a decider.
- I re-realized the importance of Me-time ("quiet time").
- I better understand my reactions to him, and to others. I better understand the person I become around others.
- I've reaffirmed the ways I have faith.
- I have decided on peace.
- I have learned how to be happy.
- I have reaffirmed that there need not be a reason to be happy.
- I better understand how to use my energies.
- I've reaffirmed the importance of words, and how their usage makes a difference in what I say.
- I've realized I have little to say.
- I've learned that I need to be, and also how to be, more socially responsible.
- I've learned that I can be selfish, and it won't get me anywhere.
- I've learned that, in a way, solipsism is somewhat true--I've learned to rely on myself more, and not to require the support of other (wiser) people, because I am all the wisdom I need to make my point.
- I have also learned I am annoying.
- I have learned about how I use people--how I need people, and how I interact with them.
- I've learned about Ska and Ed's preferences in music.
- I've fought with acceptance--can I be justified while being alone? Am I never justified while being alone in my beliefs? Or, am I simply never alone in my beliefs?
- I've become more independent in the sense of: I don't rely on others' opinions as much. If I think something is awesome, I have every right to do so.
Ed says he's never learned anything NEW about himself/life/people by reading or watching television (more specifically, StarTrek TNG). I don't think he's ever learned anything new about himself/life from other people, either. In that way, he is extremely independent.
I don't know exactly how to explain it--but he still needs events in order to change. Ed is constantly changing, and sometimes, he says, he won't even notice it. Anyway. Besides being extremely independent of others for opinions, he still requires others to cause events on which to form his thoughts.
Conclusion?
...
...
...
I must spend lots of time with Ed over the next years.
--Driftee
- I've decided (even harder) to be a decider.
- I re-realized the importance of Me-time ("quiet time").
- I better understand my reactions to him, and to others. I better understand the person I become around others.
- I've reaffirmed the ways I have faith.
- I have decided on peace.
- I have learned how to be happy.
- I have reaffirmed that there need not be a reason to be happy.
- I better understand how to use my energies.
- I've reaffirmed the importance of words, and how their usage makes a difference in what I say.
- I've realized I have little to say.
- I've learned that I need to be, and also how to be, more socially responsible.
- I've learned that I can be selfish, and it won't get me anywhere.
- I've learned that, in a way, solipsism is somewhat true--I've learned to rely on myself more, and not to require the support of other (wiser) people, because I am all the wisdom I need to make my point.
- I have also learned I am annoying.
- I have learned about how I use people--how I need people, and how I interact with them.
- I've learned about Ska and Ed's preferences in music.
- I've fought with acceptance--can I be justified while being alone? Am I never justified while being alone in my beliefs? Or, am I simply never alone in my beliefs?
- I've become more independent in the sense of: I don't rely on others' opinions as much. If I think something is awesome, I have every right to do so.
Ed says he's never learned anything NEW about himself/life/people by reading or watching television (more specifically, StarTrek TNG). I don't think he's ever learned anything new about himself/life from other people, either. In that way, he is extremely independent.
I don't know exactly how to explain it--but he still needs events in order to change. Ed is constantly changing, and sometimes, he says, he won't even notice it. Anyway. Besides being extremely independent of others for opinions, he still requires others to cause events on which to form his thoughts.
Conclusion?
...
...
...
I must spend lots of time with Ed over the next years.
--Driftee
No walks - come take a walk
We're NOT going out!
So yesterday, Ed and I watched Star Wars IV and V.
And I caught myself doing it. I mean, not outright FLIRTING, but I was being such.... --I'm pretty sure my actions were just ASKING for physical attention now that I look back. Also, I fell asleep on his couch.
The other day, I was talking to Darwin, and I started talking about Ed and myself and how we talk and think and then talk some more about abstruse concepts--or take a topic and poke at it from every perspective that comes naturally to our thinking. I also mentioned to Darwin that I DO "like" Ed, but we could and would not "go out."
Darwin had this suggestion to make:
"geez, just one day, pin him to the ground and kiss him
...
"I don't think jumping on a guy, pinning him down and kissing him like crazy would ever wreck a guys emotional stability"
At this point, I felt like I was talking to the personification of my own Demon of Desires. I mean--damn, no guy would ever think it'd be bad, right!
But then again, Ed is not "no guy." Ed is Ed.
(I have difficulty describing Ed to anyone who doesn't know him. Traditionally, I have always said, "Oh, that's Ed. Um. Grade ten. Lutheran." He is difficult to describe because he is always changing, and because I cannot use words without presenting an incomplete impression, and I cannot use words to apologize for the incomplete impression--becuse that'd be useless. Ed is wonderfully Ed--I trust his opinions, I'm fascinated by his thoughts, and I also battle my personal desire to pin him to the ground and kiss him.)
He means a lot to me.
There are times I get confused why I ever decided not to date him. I forget my reasons when I'm too focused on enjoyment.
Presently, I have an overwhelming urge to sweep him up and HUG him. This presents a few difficulties, first of which is the fact I'm 5'2" and he is 6'2". Also, he is about two kilometres away and I don't have telescopic arms!
The other reasons involve an intrusion of our established friendship. It's poking (almost violating) our trust in eachother to NOT pursue cuddles with eachother.
But I'm in a simmering cauldron of "I want cuddles NOW, DAMMIT!"
So I'm going to verbally remind myself now why I decided not to date him (or anyone else) for a LONG time:
1. Loss of friendship.
Ed is a great guy-friend for many reasons, one of which is: we are in no (natural) danger of dating. Even if "lovey feelings" develop, we will still be super-great friends and NOT boy/girl -friend. I think we value our current relationship TOO MUCH to risk losing it.
Also: it's irresponsible (see number three for more details of some relevance).
2. Age.
Both of us are much too young for anything "romantic" AND worthwhile. We are much too unpredictable at this age, and probably too immature. Even if one of us were, it only takes one person.
3. Commitment.
This is mostly MY issue, not his (necessarily). I am SICK of "lovey" relationships ENDING. SICK, SICK TO THE CORE OF MY BEING. If I cannot be reasonably certain we could keep a relationship for a long time afterwards, I don't want to start a romance.
(On a related note, I think Ed would make a wonderful husband for me. We complement eachother; I mean, where I'm unstable and random, he's thoughtful and logical; where I'm overzealous, he's calm; where I'm a decider and like to be in charge, he likes to go with the flow. We're, I find, so similar in certain ways, but so comletely different once we explore further. Additionally, I think he would make a great father. But, again, it's much too early--for both of us--to tell.)
So, until I can be reasonably certain we will keep a relationship for a long time, I will not begin a romance.
4. Responsibility.
I don't believe it's responsible to just act on one's feelings without consideration for the other. "Consideration" goes beyond the, "I could provide for him! I would be good for him!" It takes into consideration the other person's CURRENT feelings FIRST. If I cannot be reasonably certain we are both prepared, then I am putting BOTH our emotional stabilities on the line--without realizing the extent of what we're getting into. That's irresponsibility.
5. Lust.
Statistically speaking, I have always let Lust in the way of a super relationship. Lust will confuse me and take my body and make it do stupid things, and then the relationship burns up in flames and my relationship with the person is tarnished forever.
And that, my friends, is why Driftee is single. Hooray!
--Driftee
And I caught myself doing it. I mean, not outright FLIRTING, but I was being such.... --I'm pretty sure my actions were just ASKING for physical attention now that I look back. Also, I fell asleep on his couch.
The other day, I was talking to Darwin, and I started talking about Ed and myself and how we talk and think and then talk some more about abstruse concepts--or take a topic and poke at it from every perspective that comes naturally to our thinking. I also mentioned to Darwin that I DO "like" Ed, but we could and would not "go out."
Darwin had this suggestion to make:
"geez, just one day, pin him to the ground and kiss him
...
"I don't think jumping on a guy, pinning him down and kissing him like crazy would ever wreck a guys emotional stability"
At this point, I felt like I was talking to the personification of my own Demon of Desires. I mean--damn, no guy would ever think it'd be bad, right!
But then again, Ed is not "no guy." Ed is Ed.
(I have difficulty describing Ed to anyone who doesn't know him. Traditionally, I have always said, "Oh, that's Ed. Um. Grade ten. Lutheran." He is difficult to describe because he is always changing, and because I cannot use words without presenting an incomplete impression, and I cannot use words to apologize for the incomplete impression--becuse that'd be useless. Ed is wonderfully Ed--I trust his opinions, I'm fascinated by his thoughts, and I also battle my personal desire to pin him to the ground and kiss him.)
He means a lot to me.
There are times I get confused why I ever decided not to date him. I forget my reasons when I'm too focused on enjoyment.
Presently, I have an overwhelming urge to sweep him up and HUG him. This presents a few difficulties, first of which is the fact I'm 5'2" and he is 6'2". Also, he is about two kilometres away and I don't have telescopic arms!
The other reasons involve an intrusion of our established friendship. It's poking (almost violating) our trust in eachother to NOT pursue cuddles with eachother.
But I'm in a simmering cauldron of "I want cuddles NOW, DAMMIT!"
So I'm going to verbally remind myself now why I decided not to date him (or anyone else) for a LONG time:
1. Loss of friendship.
Ed is a great guy-friend for many reasons, one of which is: we are in no (natural) danger of dating. Even if "lovey feelings" develop, we will still be super-great friends and NOT boy/girl -friend. I think we value our current relationship TOO MUCH to risk losing it.
Also: it's irresponsible (see number three for more details of some relevance).
2. Age.
Both of us are much too young for anything "romantic" AND worthwhile. We are much too unpredictable at this age, and probably too immature. Even if one of us were, it only takes one person.
3. Commitment.
This is mostly MY issue, not his (necessarily). I am SICK of "lovey" relationships ENDING. SICK, SICK TO THE CORE OF MY BEING. If I cannot be reasonably certain we could keep a relationship for a long time afterwards, I don't want to start a romance.
(On a related note, I think Ed would make a wonderful husband for me. We complement eachother; I mean, where I'm unstable and random, he's thoughtful and logical; where I'm overzealous, he's calm; where I'm a decider and like to be in charge, he likes to go with the flow. We're, I find, so similar in certain ways, but so comletely different once we explore further. Additionally, I think he would make a great father. But, again, it's much too early--for both of us--to tell.)
So, until I can be reasonably certain we will keep a relationship for a long time, I will not begin a romance.
4. Responsibility.
I don't believe it's responsible to just act on one's feelings without consideration for the other. "Consideration" goes beyond the, "I could provide for him! I would be good for him!" It takes into consideration the other person's CURRENT feelings FIRST. If I cannot be reasonably certain we are both prepared, then I am putting BOTH our emotional stabilities on the line--without realizing the extent of what we're getting into. That's irresponsibility.
5. Lust.
Statistically speaking, I have always let Lust in the way of a super relationship. Lust will confuse me and take my body and make it do stupid things, and then the relationship burns up in flames and my relationship with the person is tarnished forever.
And that, my friends, is why Driftee is single. Hooray!
--Driftee
No walks - come take a walk
Eeeenteresting!
So I got some strange mail today! While I was out, my mom checked our mailbox and was much too excited to prevent herself from opening mail CLEARLY labelled for me. It was a large beige envelope, from the House of Commons.
Apparently, our MP sincerely congratulates me on my graduation and "academic accomplishments"! There's a nice little letter and a colourful certificate in a green hard plastic folder.
I'm flattered, but a little puzzled. I have no idea why I received this! I've never met our MP--or if I did, I don't remember it!--and I've not taken many actions to express my patriotism and interest in "the democratic process.". Neek says one probably needs a GPA of 90 or over. That makes a lot of sense, actually.
Anywho.
It's a pleasant mystery--although I wish there were monies attached!--and I think I'll be fine just accepting it. But if you've any ideas why a mouse like me gets the MP's attention, I'd appreciate the insight!
Happily yours,
--Driftee
Apparently, our MP sincerely congratulates me on my graduation and "academic accomplishments"! There's a nice little letter and a colourful certificate in a green hard plastic folder.
I'm flattered, but a little puzzled. I have no idea why I received this! I've never met our MP--or if I did, I don't remember it!--and I've not taken many actions to express my patriotism and interest in "the democratic process.". Neek says one probably needs a GPA of 90 or over. That makes a lot of sense, actually.
Anywho.
It's a pleasant mystery--although I wish there were monies attached!--and I think I'll be fine just accepting it. But if you've any ideas why a mouse like me gets the MP's attention, I'd appreciate the insight!
Happily yours,
--Driftee
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